I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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