I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
