my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
