John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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