Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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