where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
