I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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