Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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