One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
