There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
