The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
