oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
