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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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