I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
