I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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