watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
