I can't watch pbs sober anymore
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
