bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
