The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
