You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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