Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
