I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
