She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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