Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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