So drunk its hurt
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize