My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
