i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
