I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize