wanna go halves on a baby?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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