so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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