If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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