He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I fill condoms, not promises.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Im part way to drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
