Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
