i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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