Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
