He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
