i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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