Apparently you make a good broom.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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