i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is wine microwaveable?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
