1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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