Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
