Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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