apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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