Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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