Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
