Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
