dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
