I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
