I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
