My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
