Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
