i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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