can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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