Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
