I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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