somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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