In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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