she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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