Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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