I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
