he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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