The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
